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New
to Bullying?
Yours First Questions Answered
This
is one of several pages in this section that will give
you the immediate information to answer your first questions
and to help you lay the groundwork for protecting you and
your interests. These pages are from
a variety
of sources but all tried and tested by many targets.
You may feel that some things are not necessary or the advice
takes a particularly pessimistic view of people and employers
-
sadly, it's the reality in an extremely high majority
of cases. Most cases of bullying follow exactly the same
format. Protect
yourself by knowing all you can and by taking
the advice on the following pages.
This
specific page has selected material from
Bullyonline with the kind permission of Tim Field. You
may also wish to buy Bully
In Sight by Tim Field.
Skip
to:
To set the scene, a typical
sequence of events
And then answers to the following
questions:
Am I being bullied?
Can
this person really be a bully?
Why
me?
What's the bully's selection
criteria?
Is
there a trigger to being bullied?
But
why me?
Why did I let it happen to me?
What did I do to deserve
it?
Am
I the only one this is happening to?
Why
don't you just stand up for yourself?
I
love my job ... how can I avoid losing it?
So...
A
typical sequence of events (top)
The
target is selected using the criteria above, then bullied
for months, perhaps years
Eventually,
the target asserts their right not to be bullied, perhaps
by filing a complaint with personnel
Personnel
interview the bully, who uses their Jekyll and Hyde nature,
compulsive lying, and charm to tell the opposite story
(charm has a motive - deception)
It's
one word against another with no witnesses and no evidence,
so personnel take the word of the senior employee - serial
bullies excel at deception and evasion of accountability
The
personnel department are hoodwinked by the bully into
getting rid of the target - serial bullies are adept
at encouraging conflict between people who might otherwise
pool negative information about them
Once
the target is gone, there's a period of between 2-14
days, then a new target is selected and the process starts
again (bullying is an obsessive compulsive behaviour
and serial bullies seem unable to survive without a target
on to whom they can project their inadequacy and incompetence
whilst blaming them for the bully's own failings)
Even
if the employer realises that they might have sided
with the wrong person in the past, they are unlikely
to admit that because to do so may incur liability
If
legal action is taken, employers go to increasingly greater
lengths to keep targets quiet, usually by offering a
small out-of-court settlement with a comprehensive gagging
clause
Employers
are often more frightened of the bully than the target
and will go to enormous lengths to avoid having to deal
with bully (promotion for the bully is the most common
outcome)
Am
I being bullied? (top)
If
you can identify with this list, then yes, you are being
bullied...
Constantly
criticised and subjected to destructive criticism (often
euphemistically called constructive
criticism, which is an oxymoron) - explanations and proof
of achievement are ridiculed, overruled, dismissed or
ignored
Forever
subject to nit-picking and trivial fault-finding (the
triviality is the giveaway)
Undermined,
especially in front of others; false concerns are raised,
or doubts are expressed over a person's
performance or standard of work - however, the doubts
lack substantive
and quantifiable evidence, for they are only the
bully's unreliable opinion and are for control, not performance
enhancement
Overruled,
ignored, sidelined, marginalised, ostracised
Isolated
and excluded from what's happening (this makes people
more vulnerable and easier to control
and subjugate)
Singled
out and treated differently (for example everyone else
can have long lunch breaks but
if they are one
minute late it's a disciplinary offence)
Belittled,
degraded, demeaned, ridiculed, patronised, subject
to disparaging remarks
Regularly
the target of offensive language, personal remarks, or
inappropriate bad language
The
target of unwanted sexual behaviour
Threatened,
shouted at and humiliated, especially in front of others
Taunted
and teased where the intention is to embarrass and humiliate
Set
unrealistic goals and deadlines which are unachievable
or which are
changed
without notice
or reason or
whenever they get near achieving
them
Denied
information or knowledge necessary for undertaking work
and achieving
objectives
Starved
of resources, sometimes whilst others often receive more
than they
need
Denied
support by their manager and thus find themselves working
in a
management vacuum
Either
overloaded with work (this keeps people busy [with
no time
to tackle
bullying] and
makes it harder
to achieve
targets) or have all their
work taken away (which
is sometimes replaced
with inappropriate
menial
jobs, eg photocopying,
filing, making coffee)
Have
their responsibility increased but their authority
removed
Have
their work plagiarised, stolen and copied - the
bully then presents
their
target's
work (eg to
senior
management)
as their own
Are
given the silent treatment: the bully
refuses to communicate
and
avoids eye
contact (always
an indicator
of an abusive
relationship); often
instructions
are received only
via email, memos, or
a succession
of yellow stickies
or post-it
notes
Subject
to excessive monitoring, supervision,
micro-management,
recording, snooping
etc
The
subject of written complaints
by other
members of staff
(most of whom
have been
coerced into
fabricating allegations
- the complaints
are trivial,
often bizarre
["He looked
at me in a funny
way"] and
often bear striking
similarity to
each other, suggesting
a common origin)
Forced
to work long
hours, often
without
remuneration
and under
threat of dismissal
Find
requests for leave have
unacceptable
and
unnecessary
conditions
attached,
sometimes
overturning previous approval.
especially
if the
person has
taken action
to address
bullying
in the meantime
Denied
annual leave, sickness
leave,
or - especially
- compassionate
leave
When
on leave,
are harassed
by calls
at home
or
on holiday,
often
at unsocial
hours
Receive
unpleasant
or
threatening calls
or
are harassed
with
intimidating
memos,
notes
or
emails with
no
verbal
communication,
immediately
prior
to
weekends and
holidays
(eg
4pm Friday
or
Christmas Eve -
often
these
are
hand-delivered)
Do
not
have
a
clear job
description,
or
have
one
that
is
exceedingly
long
or
vague;
the
bully
often
deliberately
makes
the
person's
role
unclear
are
invited
to "informal" meetings
which
turn
out
to
be
disciplinary
hearings
Are
denied representation
at meetings,
often under
threat of
further disciplinary
action; sometimes
the bully
abuses their
position of
power to
exclude any
representative who
is competent
to deal
with bullying
Encouraged
to feel
guilty, and
to believe
they're always
the one
at fault
subjected
to unwarranted
and unjustified
verbal or
written warnings
facing
unjustified disciplinary
action on
trivial or
specious or
false charges
Facing
dismissal on
fabricated charges
or flimsy
excuses, often
using a
trivial incident
from months
or years
previously
Coerced
into reluctant
resignation, enforced
redundancy, early
or ill-health
retirement
A
favourite tactic
of bullies
which helps
them evade
detection is
to undertake
a "reorganisation" at
regular intervals. This has several advantages:
Anyone
whose face doesn't fit can be organised out through
downsizing (redundancy) or transfer
Ditto
anyone who challenges the reorganisation
Ditto,
their job can be "regraded" or "redefined" to
the person's disadvantage
Each
reorganisation is a smokescreen for the bully's dysfunctional
behaviour - everyone is so busy coping
with the reorganisation
(chaos) that the bully's behaviour goes unnoticed
the bully can always claim to be reorganising
in the name of "efficiency" and therefore be perceived by
those above as a strong manager
Can
this person really be a bully? (top)
Most bullying is traceable to one person,
male or female - bullying is not a gender issue. Bullies
are often clever people (especially female bullies) but you
can be clever too.
Who does this describe in your life?
Jekyll & Hyde
nature - vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent
and charming in front of witnesses; no-one
can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive
nature
- only the current target sees both sides
Is
a convincing, compulsive liar and when called to account,
will make up anything spontaneously to
fit their needs at
that moment
Uses
lots of charm and is always plausible and convincing
when peers, superiors or others are present;
the motive
of the charm is deception and its purpose is to compensate
for
lack of empathy
Relies
on mimicry to convince others that they are a "normal" human
being but their words, writing and deeds are hollow,
superficial and glib
displays a great deal of certitude and self-assuredness
to mask their insecurity
Excels
at deception
Exhibits
unusual inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters or
sexual behaviour; underneath the
charming
exterior
there are often suspicions or intimations of
sexual harassment, sex discrimination or sexual abuse
(sometimes racial
prejudice
as well)
Exhibits
much controlling behaviour and is a control freak
Displays
a compulsive need to criticise whilst simultaneously
refusing to acknowledge, value
and praise others
When
called upon to share or address the needs and concerns
of others, responds
with
impatience,
irritability
and
aggression
Often
has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic need
to portray themselves
as a wonderful,
kind, caring and compassionate
person, in contrast to their behaviour
and treatment of others; the bully is
oblivious to the discrepancy
between how they
like to be seen (and believe they are
seen), and how they are actually seen
Has
an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership
but cannot distinguish
between leadership
(maturity,
decisiveness, assertiveness, trust
and integrity) and bullying (immaturity,
impulsiveness, aggression, distrust
and deceitfulness)
When
called to account, immediately and aggressively denies
everything,
then
counter-attacks with
distorted or fabricated
criticisms and allegations; if this
is insufficient, quickly feigns victimhood,
often by bursting
into tears (the purpose
is to avoid answering the question
and
thus evade accountability by manipulating
others
through
the use of guilt)
Is
also aggressive, devious, manipulative, spiteful,
vengeful,
doesn't listen,
can't sustain mature adult
conversation, lacks a conscience,
shows no remorse, is drawn to power,
emotionally cold and flat, humourless,
joyless, ungrateful, dysfunctional,
disruptive, divisive,
rigid and inflexible,
selfish, insincere, insecure, immature
and deeply inadequate, especially
in
interpersonal skills
Why
am I being bullied (top)
Skip
to: The bully's selection criteria
The trigger for being
bullied But why me?
The
bully's selection criteria (top)
Bullies
are predatory and opportunistic - you just happen to
be in the wrong place at the wrong time; this is always
the main reason - investigation will reveal a string
of predecessors, and you will have a string of successors (but
don't rely on your employer to investigate adequately
- Jo)
Being
good at your job, often excelling
Being
popular with people (colleagues, customers, clients,
pupils, parents, patients, etc)
More
than anything else, the bully fears exposure of his/her
inadequacy and incompetence; your presence,
popularity
and competence unknowingly and unwittingly fuel
that fear
Being
the expert and the person to whom others come for advice,
either personal or professional
(ie you
get more
attention than the bully)
Having
a well-defined set of values which you are unwilling
to compromise
Having
a strong sense of integrity (bullies despise integrity,
for they have none, and
seem compelled
to destroy anyone
who has integrity)
Having
at least one vulnerability that can be exploited
Being
too old or too expensive (usually both)
Refusing
to join an established clique
Showing
independence of thought or deed
Refusing
to become a corporate clone and drone
The
trigger for being bullied (top)
Bullying
starts after one of these events:
The
previous target leaves
There's
a reorganisation
A
new manager is appointed
Your
performance unwittingly highlights, draws attention to,
exposes or invites unfavourable comparison with
the bully's lack of performance (the harder you work
to address
the bully's claims of underperformance, the more
insecure and unstable the bully becomes)
You
may have unwittingly become the focus of attention whereas
before the bully was the centre of attention
(this often occurs with female bullies) - most
bullies are emotionally
immature and thus crave attention
obvious displays of affection, respect or trust
from co-workers
Refusing
to obey an order which violates rules, regulations, procedures,
or is illegal
Standing
up for a colleague who is being bullied - this ensures
you will be next; sometimes the
bully drops their
current target and turns their attention to
you immediately
Blowing
the whistle on incompetence, malpractice, fraud, illegality,
breaches of procedure, breaches
of health & safety
regulations etc
Undertaking
trade union duties
Challenging
the status quo, especially unwittingly
Gaining
recognition for your achievements, eg winning an award
or being publicly
recognised
Gaining
promotion
But
why me? (top)
Personal
qualities that bullies find irresistible in their targets:
Popularity
(this stimulates jealousy in the less-than-popular bully)
Competence
(this stimulates envy in the less-than-competent bully)
Intelligence
and intellect
Honesty
and integrity (which bullies despise)
You're
trustworthy, trusting, conscientious, loyal and dependable
A
well-developed integrity which you're unwilling to compromise
You're
always willing to go that extra mile and expect others
to do the same
Successful,
tenacious, determined, courageous, having fortitude
A
sense of humour, including displays of quick-wittedness
Imaginative,
creative, innovative
Idealistic,
optimistic, always working for improvement and betterment
of
self, family,
the employer,
and the world
Ability
to master new skills
Ability
to think long term and to see the bigger picture
Sensitivity
(this is a constellation of values to be cherished
including empathy, concern
for others, respect,
tolerance
etc)
Slow
to anger, giving
and selfless
Helpful,
always willing to share knowledge and experience
Difficulty
saying no, diligent,
industrious, tolerant
Strong
sense of honour
Irrepressible,
wanting to tackle and
correct injustice wherever
you see
it
An
inability to value
oneself
whilst attributing
greater
importance
and
validity
to other
people's
opinions
of oneself
(eg through
tests,
exams, appraisals,
manager's
feedback,
etc)
Low
propensity to violence
(ie you
prefer
to resolve
conflict
through
dialogue
rather
than
through
violence
or legal
action)
A
strong forgiving
streak
(which
the
bully exploits
and
manipulates to dissuade
you
from
taking
grievance
and
legal action)
A
desire to
always
think
well
of
others
Being
incorruptible, having
high moral
standards which
you are
unwilling to
compromise, unwilling
to
lower standards
A
strong well-defined
set of
values which
you are
unwilling to
compromise or
abandon, a
strong
sense
of fair
play and
a desire
to always
be reasonable
High
expectations of
those in
authority and
a dislike
of incompetent
people in
positions of
power who
abuse power
A
tendency to
self-deprecation, indecisiveness,
deference
and approval
seeking
Low
assertiveness
A
need to
feel valued
Quick
to apologise
when accused,
even if
not guilty
(this is
a useful
technique for
defusing an
aggressive customer
or potential
road rage
incident)
Perfectionism
Higher-than-average
levels of
dependency,
naivety
and guilt
High
coping
skills
under
stress,
especially
when
the injury
to health
becomes
apparent
A
tendency
to
internalise
anger
rather
than
express
it
Why
did I let it happen to me? (top)
Because you had little or no knowledge
of bullying, no training in how to deal with it, those
around you denied or ignored it, you didn't recognise
the bully as a sociopath, the bully disempowered
you, you were
vulnerable, you're honest and unwilling to compromise
your integrity, the law is weak, jobs are scarce
so you were
frightened to report it, personnel and management probably
didn't help or took the side of the bully, etc.
What
did I do to deserve it? (top)
Nothing.
It is NEVER the target's fault
- it is always the bully who is responsible for their
behaviour; however, bullies project their behaviour onto
their target
and claim their target is the one with the "negative
attitude" who is "aggressive" etc. Treat
each criticism or allegation as an admission by the bully
of his or her own failings and inadequacy. A target of
abuse simply happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong
time - and probably has plenty of predecessors and successors.
Am
I the only one this is happening to? (top)
Almost
everyone who is abused thinks this. Abusers encourage it,
for it disempowers and silences you. However, there
are many people in your situation - with workplace bullying,
perhaps half the workforce. The reason so few people
report their abusers is for fear that "no-one will believe
me". See the section on denial. They are usually correct
- but things are changing. You can help the process of
change.
Why
don't you just stand up for yourself? (top)
Because
in almost every case when you assert your right not
to be bullied, things get worse. The bully senses that
their tactics of control and subjugation are not working
and, worse, that you can see through his or her mask
of deceit. The bully's paranoid fear of exposure (of their
weakness, inadequacy and incompetence) goes exponential
and the bully moves into phase two - elimination. For
a
list of reasons why people are prevented from asserting
their right not to be bullied click here. It's similar
to why victims of abuse can't and won't report the abuse.
I
love my job ... how can I avoid losing it? (top)
The
truth is, you've lost your job the moment the serial
bully selects you as their next target. The bully will
do everything humanly possible to oust you from your
job, although because of your inner strength, emotional
maturity
and integrity, this may take a year of two - by which
time you will have sustained a severe psychiatric injury
which
may prevent you from working in your chosen field again.
Does
this sound familiar?
Check out the other pages in this
section to see what you can do NOW to protect
yourself...
Other
pages: to follow...
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