Clicker Training – Adapted for Human Bullies
by Nymphy Dingle

Have you heard of Clicker Training? Whoever thought it up thought small, I think. Huh, animals indeed! Well, thankfully we are now not the only ones to have this type of training. I know it is now being used with some humans, such as ice skaters, gymnasts and airline pilots. I think it should be more focused than that, rather than the job, how about the type of person....say, like eh....a bully?!

Being the clever pussycat I am, I have rewritten the rules for using this method with bullies. It is partly tongue in cheek, but also partly serious. I believe we can learn from this positive reinforcement approach, the clicker is optional!

What you will need:
A clicker (will cost no more than a few pounds, available at most pet shops)
A box of Celebrations or similar small sweets
A bully whose behaviour you wish to change
B*lls of steel (applies to both M/F)

The process for bullies:
Clicker Training is a way of re-training errant or negative behaviour through positive reinforcement. This means that bad behaviour is ignored, whilst good behaviour is rewarded. When the bully displays good (read acceptable) behaviour, you click (as a marker signal) and then you reward them. This repeated over time lets them associate the clicker sound with something good and they then seek to repeat the good behaviour.

The reward could be a small sweet, a congratulatory acknowledgement such as ‘good behaviour’ said firmly, or both. It is advisable not to pat them on the head, ruffle their hair/tickle their tummy or say ‘good boy’ or ‘good girl’, as this can seem as if you are treating them in a childlike manner. This will not accomplish the desired goal as it uses the very type of behaviour you are trying to correct.

It is best to start with simple tasks, such as a civil ‘hello’ or ‘good morning’ to introduce them to the clicker sound and the terms of the training. You may then wish to move on to more difficult issues, such as giving you credit for your work or contribution (click), giving you constructive not specious criticism of your work (click) or treating you respectfully (click). Keep practice sessions short as the bully only has a short attention span.

If the bully makes a mistake and reverts to bad behaviour, walk away and deprive them of the attention and gratification they seek. Do not interact, however hard the bully tries to get you to, as this rewards the bad behaviour. Only when the bully shows good behaviour do you click and reward. Small changes in behaviour should be rewarded as it may take a few times to get one task completely right - it is difficult for them but I am sure that in the end they will appreciate your efforts.

It is important to let the bully find out how to do the new behaviour on his or her own. Over time the bully will learn this new behaviour and when repeated often enough, the bully will start to associate a clicker sound with something good, as in the reward to come, and looks for ways to encourage you to click by being good.

Alternative methods:
The clicker training builds good behaviour rather than stopping or punishing bad behaviour. This positive reinforcement method of changing behaviour is far superior to others that have been tried and tested. The results of my research show that:

*The punishment method fails miserably in 99 out of every 100 attempts through denial, collusion, lack of care or sudden onset selective blindness (SOSB);

*Negative reinforcement gives satisfaction to the bully by the target getting upset, angry, stressed and/or losing their job, but usually all of the above;

*Extinction of the behaviour of the bully has never been attained trying every other method under the sun...and moon...and stars;

*Shooting the bully works in every case but can have negative impacts on the target (unless they are very careful and have never told lawyer jokes on jfo:i).

Future Research:
It is hoped that this article will produce a test simple sample of bullies to undergo clicker training and the results from the simples will be published as soon as possible.

Breaking News!
The government have pledged £2.17 towards research and development of clicker training for bullies, due to the high impact and cost of stress and associated illnesses. A spokesperson said he hoped that it would show the governments level of commitment and would cover the capital investment of at least 3 clickers.

More Breaking News!
The government have pledged £600,000 for training courses in 'Deflection Techniques for Clicker Training'. A spokesperson said he hoped that all members of each working team would attend but, he added, due to limited funds some would only be involved in target practice. There was no problem, he concluded, as these people were unlikely to need to be clicker trained and therefore they would be no point teaching them deflection techniques. It's simple really, he beamed!

For more information on real Clicker Training, please see www.clickertraining.com